i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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