ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
