There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
