i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
