you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
