you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
