You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
