Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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