I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
organizing the empties. That sober.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
