How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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