...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
