I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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