She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize