I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
