This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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