I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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