you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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