Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My vagina is officially offended.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
