I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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