and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
