Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
