Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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