He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
