I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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