Jerry, you need to find god
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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