Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
