I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize