Where did you get a picture of my penis
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
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