You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
