Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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