Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
