in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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