stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
