in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
