i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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