yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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