my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
