Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
