I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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