I love black thongs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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