he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
