STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
