Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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