So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
third nipple confirmed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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