I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
