I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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