imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
