You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
