my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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