dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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