I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
