I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Couch. On fire.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
