life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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