apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
